For as long as I can remember I have felt worthless. I have felt I’m not important, I have nothing to offer, and I don’t deserve normal everyday things. I’ve missed out on relationships, experiences, education, a career, children all because I thought I was not good enough. I have not shown up for life because I thought I was a burden. Somebody to bear as opposed to enjoy. Whenever I have encountered someone who appreciated me I assumed it was because they were special, able to bear my presence because of their unending patience not because I might be a person worthy of being around. I’ve often not shown up to things simply to relieve people of having to bear my presence.

If you’ve read my prior posts you know I’m going through an intense therapy called EMDR. Through this intense therapy we process prior trauma. I’ve come to learn where I was taught I was worthless. When I was 16 I was raped. I learned a lot that night. I learned I was in control of absolutely nothing, not even my own body. I learned I was disposable a thing to be used for others gratification. I learned I was simply a piece of meat lucky to be breathing air. I learned, as opposed to thinking or believing, I KNEW I was worth less than nothing. All these years I’ve known I was a waste of air, in control of absolutely nothing, and how could a person like this have any redeeming quality?

I realize now, looking back, my life fell apart after I was raped. Given my worthlessness I was desperate for love. This caused me to accept any attention from anyone. Even if it wasn’t love if it looked like love I fell for it. I ended up dating a lot of losers who treated me like crap. This reinforced my KNOWLEDGE of my worthlessness. I emphasize the word knowledge because it wasn’t a feeling, thought, or belief. It was hard core KNOWLEDGE that I was worthless.

I see now, 25 years later, that night derailed my whole life. Every decision I’ve ever made in my entire life has been made from a place where I have no value, nothing to offer, and assuming nobody will ever love the real me. But through my therapy I can see that I’ve been wrong. I was made to feel this way at a time in my life when I was not matured mentally. I was unable to process this trauma because of my age. I was basically a child in a womans body.

I already had issues with my self confidence, obsessive tendencies, and family problems before I was raped. The rape solidified for me what I was already learning from growing up: how I felt did not matter. But with EMDR I pinpointed when, exactly when, I learned it for sure. In therapy, when discussing the rape I could feel just how worthless it made me feel. I felt as worthless in that moment in therapy as I did the night I was raped.

So, I was wrong! Looking back I can see why I felt that way, I can see why I believed it, and I can see who is at fault. Not me! I understand why my young, underdeveloped brain believed it. So, now I understand that I was wrong. If I was wrong then, that means I do have worth. I have good qualities and things to offer other people. I now have the basis to develop self confidence.

A lot of people don’t understand what happens to a young girl when she is raped. Not a lot of people are going to understand me. But I am finally starting to understand myself. The choices I’ve made and the reason my life has gone the way it has is all so clear to me now. Self confidence, here I come, I’m ready to take my power back!

Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing

EMDR is an intense therapy used to treat past traumas. Especially trauma that wasn’t dealt with at the time. I’ve been doing it for over a year. I have processed many traumas and I am working on my childhood and teen years now. The last of my traumas on the list that I know of now. You see, things come up that are loaded with emotion that we didn’t even know we were holding on to.

How it works. My therapist and I identify the trauma, my negative cognition about the event(s), and the positive cognition I wish to eventually associate with the trauma. My therapist has a light bar with a remote, it is similar in looks to a soundbar. The lights on the bar go in a straight line from right to left and back again. Thinking of the trauma I watch the light bar for many seconds. Then my therapist and I discuss what came up. Then repeat. They don’t actually know why it works. One theory is that by watching the lights we are using both sides of the brain.

As a patient I can only give you my perspective. Like I said I have processed several traumas and felt the accompanying lightheartedness. I know it works even if I don’t know why. Watching those lights, with the trauma in mind takes me back to the event. I feel exactly how I felt during the trauma. Only this time I’m in a safe place where I can express myself. While experiencing this trauma again I’m with someone, my therapist, who has the ability to talk me through it. I’m able to process the trauma in a healthy way so that I can let it go.

Things come up that you wouldn’t believe. Knowing I’m going to process a specific trauma I try before my appointment to access the trauma and think about it. I am always amazed at how little I can access the trauma until I look at those lights. Two weeks ago, I went in knowing that we were discussing my childhood. Something came up that I was not expecting. And it was trauma, it was heavy, and I felt as angry/sad/confused/traumatized as the day it happened. I had no idea I was still carrying this load! What a burden on my soul. It’s beautiful to think that in just a few weeks my soul will no longer be blemished by this unfortunate trauma!

EMDR does come at a cost. I recently told a friend, “it couldn’t hurt” to do EMDR. But I was wrong! Because there are intense side effects. When a new trauma is first accessed it is exhausting and disturbing. Directly after I feel completely drained but I can’t sleep. My sleep is interrupted with intense dreams. I go once a week and it’s fair to say I’m exhausted up until my next appointment. This lasts for multiple sessions until the trauma is mostly processed and it becomes easier every appointment.

I’ve talked to my therapist about what happens in the days following and she has confirmed there can be regression. Regression in behavior when we first start a new trauma. For me this means I retreat. Of course we all have to go out and get things done. But I have an EMDR hangover so everything I do takes energy I don’t have. I tend to retreat into myself and into my house. I find reasons to do as little as possible. Ijust don’t want to leave the house. This is just how my body responds to trauma. According to my therapist I am to, “do what I’ve got to do to feel safe”. So I feel some freedom to just sit with my trauma. Now, of course I force myself to do things that are good for me. But I also realize sometimes the thing that will make me feel safe is to just stay home. Given these feelings are temporary I’m ok with that.

Wow, I’ve made it sound horrible! But when your daily life is burdened and you don’t know why, that’s exhausting too. Being depressed and anxious is no way to live. I have found a solution! We have to dig deep, we have to get in the mud with our issues. I HAVE to do this to get on with my life. I didn’t process the trauma initially so it must be reprocessed. These temporary side effects, while intense, are necessary. I’ve felt the lightness that comes from this process and I know a few weeks of suffering is absolutely worth it in the long run!

November 20, 2019

I have had a spiritual experience. I’ve talked at length about my heart. About the fact that I don’t use it instead I protect it. I have chosen to rely on my mind and my mind has a bad track record. I recently experienced something that allowed me to feel my heart’s capacity, strength, and qualities.

Have you ever heard of reiki? Reiki is a form of healing. It’s based on energy centers in your body called chakras. In order to believe in reiki (I will write about my entire experience soon) you need to believe people carry energy. I’m not asking you to believe in chakras even though I do. In this post, I’m asking you to believe I had an experience that was amazing and in which I learned a huge life lesson.

During my healing experience with reiki I was able to feel my heart at full strength. I have often heard I had a big heart and I’ve always wondered what that really meant because I didn’t feel my heart was big. But during reiki I could feel it’s vastness. I thought it might burst out of my chest. This is what it would feel like to live at my hearts full capacity.

After my reiki experience I had a lot of processing to do. I could feel the free flow of energy in my body for hours. I was able to live with my heart open. I was free to examine how my heart felt, what it wanted, and the strengths it had. One of those strengths was courage.

I’ve been scared for as long as I can remember. Growing up I was scared of school, scared of my brothers, scared of the kids at school and their gossip. As I grew up I found new things to be scared of. Adult things to be scared of. The point is I am fearful of everything up to and including leaving the house.

As I was driving home from reiki and thinking about my heart I could feel this great sense of courage. Courage, this quality I do not possess. I could feel it, I could feel the courage as a quality of the heart. I could feel it so viscerally, it is for sure a piece of my heart. Here I had protected my heart so much so that I buried my own courage!

Of course I am afraid of everything! I’m not accessing my heart for anything. Therefore it could not be accessed in the times I needed courage. Next, I wondered, was I the only one who felt this way? And then I remembered The Wizard of Oz. The cowardly lion wanted courage and to get courage he needed a heart. So I’m not the only one who feels courage is in the heart. I still have questions about reiki, my chakras, and where exactly courage resides. But in the meantime I have found at least a piece of my courage… hiding in my heart.

I have always enjoyed drawing blueprints on graph paper of my dream home. I’ve done it since I was a child. In another life, I would have been an architect. I especially love tiny homes because they are so creative and clever. A therapist I had a couple years ago found this out and gave me a project. She asked me to draw my dream house as if I were building it right now. Draw the whole property, the house, the garage, the garden shed, maybe a pond.

I remember thinking at the time that if I lived in the same place too long people might find out where I am so I needed to include…security. I spent a few minutes on the cottage and the grounds. Then without thinking I surrounded it with a wall, a really high wall, like a castle wall. Then I thought maybe a wall wasn’t enough. If someone really wanted to contact me they could climb it or throw something over. Plus, just anybody could walk up to the door and knock. So I added a moat, that’s right, drawbridge and all. Now nobody can knock on the door but a moat can be swam right through. I need to make it deeper so outside of the moat I built a birm. This hill doubles the depth of the moat.

I took the drawing to my therapist (pretty pleased with myself btw). It’s easy to see now but at the time I was blown away that the house was a metaphor for my heart. Look at everything I did to protect myself. But look at everything I did to keep other people out too. Also, I was so busy layering myself in protection I hardly paid any attention to the house itself.

I’ve talked before about depending too much on my brain and neglecting my heart. Here it was on paper right in front of me. And years later it’s the same. I recently had a temporary loss of motivation. I was struggling and kept it all to myself. I have a great group if friends from yoga. It didn’t even occur to me to go to them for help.

It is such an instinct to suffer in silence. My friends are women I can trust, they are supportive, and they care about what I’m going through. I happened to be able to solve my motivational problem on my own but it took weeks and it would have been so much easier if I had some help. If I had asked for help not only would I have recieved moral support but in not opening up I robbed them of an opportunity to help and to feel useful as a friend. I ignored the possibility of gaining knowledge or wisdom.

Friendship is a two way street. I’ve been on my own so long it never occurred to me to share. Somewhere along the way I learned my feelings are just a burden. But nobody wants to be alone forever. Opening up to a great group of women is safe and great experience for learning to live with an open heart. It’s time for the walls to come down. Part of that is creating and maintaining this blog.

I’ve asked my therapist what was next. Now that I recognize the empty places inside myself, what do I do with that? These empty places I’ve tried to fill with everything. Food, drugs, men, etc. My new work is to fill these holes in myself with self love and actualization. If I do that, relationships will become a lot easier and I won’t be attracted to the unhealthy things I have been attracted to in the past. I will continue my work in every way possible. Mind, body, and spirit.

November 8, 2019

Advocates for the mentally ill are heroes in so many different ways. I have a lifetime of experience with mental health, the systems, the stigma. Things have really changed in the past decade but there is so much more educating to be done. While my experience should allow me to be a fierce advocate for myself and all others. It is my mental illness that keeps me quiet. The lack of self esteem, the anxiety, the shame, the closed minds I’ve experienced in the past. It’s caused me to really shut down and only open up when it seems REALLY safe.

People who are not mentally ill have all the abilities of their intellect to debate, disagree, and educate closed minds. People who ate not mentally ill that understand this population are very rare. We need them to speak up and make more people understand.

The brain is an organ, as my therapist tells me. I think the difference is that unlike other organs it affects our behavior. So, unlike other organs, it requires advocacy. The average person does not understand what is happening in our brains. And why would they? They’ve been blessed with a life where they don’t have to question brain chemistry. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard for a lay person to understand.

So many times, I try to express myself but fall short only to give up trying. I’ve been judged openly plenty but it is the quiet, “whatever” that hurts the most. People think they already understand and their minds are closed. Some people have it figured out, it’s a choice, and we should just stop. But that’s the trick if it. WE CANNOT HELP IT!

While in the throws of diagnoses and treatment it can be hard to see. I think there is a misconception, because some people have gotten better in the past, we should all just do that. People have caught on to the concept that with therapy we can get better. That doesn’t mean we can help it. People who have gotten better have spent years doing so.

Over time we start noticing patterns and we learn coping skills that can make the day to day better. It still takes a ton of therapy. It takes learning and relearning and constant attention. One thing is for sure, nobody asks for this and nobody deserves it. If somebody hasn’t gotten better don’t assume it’s from a lack of trying.

Every mentally ill person I’ve ever met wants to be better. And if we had a magic wand… the point is it takes a lot of work and even then we may not be stable. We can work on psychiatry, psychology, personal enlightenment and still its not enough to make us stable. Because it’s not our fault or our choice!

Listening to a friend advocate fiercly for me and others I realized something. (And this is after more than 20 years of shame). I HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF! Plenty of doctors, psychiatrists, therapists, counselors, and friends can confirm, I have a bonafide mental illness. This affects the way I think and process information. Yes, in the heat of it, I’ve made bad decisions along the way. But I always harbored the best intentions. I just process things differently.

If you know someone who struggles, please give them the benefit of the doubt. Allow space for explanation. Please don’t judge and try to understand. We may not express ourselves correctly at first. Free from judgement an explanation may come easier. It is hard to explain something that is indescribable especially when we aren’t able to understand it fully ourselves or lack the language to express it.

It is through advocacy that ignorance is conquered. Advocacy allows an outlet for the unheard and helps educate the presumptious. But advocacy doesn’t just help in an outward way. Advocacy reminds the mentally ill population that there is nothing wrong with existing exactly as we were made. It doesn’t replace the work required it simply acknowledges the struggle. Advocacy had reminded this mentally ill person that she has value and deserves to be heard!

November 8, 2019

Motivation is a funny thing. It starts inside you. Yes, there are external motivators, things to help get you moving. But when it comes time to do the thing we have to look inside ourselves. As you can see from my lack of posts I have lost motivation.

I’ve spent the past couple weeks questioning everything. What’s the point? Why get up and do the do? Why am I meditating? Why drink celery juice? Why am I STILL trying to lose weight? With all the questions and struggles… this line of thinking has me stuck.

I was crying in the morning because my meditation book was confusing, I felt like I wasn’t getting it and I was frustrated. I broke out in a rash which made me question the celery juice and all that work that goes into it. Try as hard as I might to get to yoga class something would inevitably come up and I would miss. A dear friend of mine, taking care of herself, has taken a step back and she is my northstar. I found out I have high blood pressure and might need medication, so lose weight and exercise now, no pressure. I am just struggling keeping it going and I cannot get it together.

I’m guessing I’m not alone. It’s always something, right? Just when we’re on a roll, bam, something happens… or worse nothing happens and we still lose motivation. I think we forget our higher purpose, it gets lost in the mud. And there are SO MANY valid, logical reasons not to do things. We almost have to fly in the face if those reasons. Be stubborn, and do them anyway.

Luckily for me my habits in the morning are second nature. This whole time I’ve been questioning… everything. I’ve still been doing my morning routine. Call it stubbornness or maybe because, what else am I going to do? That’s when it happened. I reached an essay in my meditation book that had an answer. I won’t quote it but the gyst is, every step we take toward the light brings peace into our hearts.

Now, I don’t know what you’re looking for, but peace in my heart sounds like something I can get behind! That’s what I’m looking for. Now, it took weeks to find an answer but now I’m so glad I kept up my habits! I’m even going for a run in the mornings now (I’m only on day 3, keep your fingers crossed).

So, like everything else, motivation is simply perspective. Taken from an outside queue, from within, or borrowed from somebody else’s wisdom is still motivation. Get it however you need it that day. For instance, I hate every minute of running, being outside and vulnerable has always been a problem for me. But I’m trying to focus on the big picture. Running will help my health and stop me from taking a medication. Also, I never regret it! Something else I’m learning is these things we put off, often things we do for ourselves, are things we will never regret. We just think we will. Yes, I’ve cried during meditation and I’m a better person now because of it.

If you question the purpose of a thing, work backwards. Look for the bigger picture and know every tiny action changes that picture for better or worse.

October 18, 2019

Chances are you have heard of celery juice. It’s easy to dismiss as a fad. If you haven’t heard of it the goal is to drink 16oz of fresh celery juice on an empty stomach every morning. I know it seems like quite a chore but if we learn the benefits of celery, it’s worth it. The medical Medium, Anthony William has written a whole book just in celery! I’ve been doing the full 16 oz about 4 weeks. It can take many weeks for full effect so I still have some improvement to look forward to.

I first heard of celery juice a year ago in a yoga workshop I was doing. The instructor, with vast and varied types of knowledge swears by celery juice. I tried it then but I was just not in the right place. I was exhausted all the time and I couldn’t muster the small amount of energy it took to make it. At the time, my diet was terrible and I hated anything that didn’t taste like a burger or a snickers bar. As I’ve cleaned up my diet and cut back the sugar I’ve noticed real foods taste better! Now I truly enjoy it!

After I started feeling better from curing my anemia and straightening out my medication I started building a morning routine. Between the combination of having more energy, building my morning routine, and changing my diet to help heal myself, it seemed like the next logical step.

Do what you have to do! I have my juicer on a table in the garage (I cover it with a garbage bag) because it doesn’t fit in my house. But it works out there just fine so you can make it work too! Drinking celery juice can be overwhelming when you first start. It’s an aquired taste. While some people love it right away I had a harder time adjusting. I started small. I started with about 6oz of celery juice and worked my way up. Both of my parents and my niece have also been on this ride with me (whether they like it or not lol).

We have been on the full 16oz for about 4 weeks now. Let me tell you about my results! In the first week or two I started breaking out. Small red spots after I washed my face along with some large pimples. This is the toxins coming out of my body. I am occasionally getting a pimple here or there which is unusual for me. But my skin otherwise is clearing and smooth. The dark circles under my eyes that I thought I was stuck with are disappearing.

Another benefit is a little more delicate. I have stomach problems, I have a haital hernia, and GERD. After about a week my stomach started to feel better. The celery juice started cleaning me out. One half hour after drinking it I was in the restroom. I swear I can feel it working its way through and repairing things. I was taking two medications twice a day plus the occasional tums for my stomach. After 4 weeks I now take one dose of one medication. If you’re counting that’s from 4 pills down to 1. I take that one pill still because I’m scared but I intend on cutting that one out in a couple of weeks.

The biggest difference had been in my brain fog and energy! The brain fog is gone and I can think clearly all day. Before celery juice I took a nap every single day. I didn’t realize it but I was exhausted all the time! The other day I spent all day out running errands, went to a movie, did 3 hours of driving, and when we came home I cooked dinner and did my usual nightly routine. I realized later not only did I not have a nap I didn’t even think about it! And I don’t need a nap everyday anymore. Somedays I lay down out of habit or because a nap sounds luxurious. I don’t sleep because I just don’t need the extra rest.

I’ve heard it can take weeks to take full effect. I’ve still got a ways to go and I hope for even more improvements! I will keep you updated. This is part of my morning routine now. Given the results I’m seeing already this is something I intend on continuing for myself and my family!

October 14, 2019

If we don’t exercise our hearts they will atrophy, just like any other muscle. The best way to protect your heart is to use it, nourish it, exercise it, and be gentle to it. Unfortunately I’ve chosen other ways to protect my heart. Over the years I have found ways to hide, ignore, and distract myself and others away from my heart. I have layers of protection so it remains capable of love and joy but it is small, it is feeble, and it is unable to withstand the smallest crack without shattering completely. Everytime it’s been damaged I have added layers of protection. I have never allowed it to remain open, to feel the sunlight, or let it heal.

One way I have protected my heart has been to depend on my mind way too much. I’ve always been strong willed but somewhere along the way my heart was damaged. I learned to put my heart in a box and rely on my mind for everything. Of course, for people I was sure were safe (in my mind) I would bring my precious, fragile heart out. But the mind doesn’t feel things. The mind doesn’t see the truth in other people’s hearts either. While I realize you can’t always follow your heart I simply ignored mine. I suppose, even in an average brain, this would cause an imbalance. But in a brain with preexisting imbalance this has wreaked havoc. How can we successfully ‘logic’ our way out of a bad decision when our ‘logic’ is not aligned with reality? Or make a good decision without consulting our heart? Emotions cannot be properly addressed without the heart to balance the brain.

Another way I’ve protected my heart is more physical and I suppose more obvious. I have literally put layers on my body. My weight has always been an issue. I’ve lost large amounts of weight several times in my life. But I’ve always put it right back on like I’m trying to break a record for weight gain. I used to think all my problems would be solved if I just lost weight but when I did it always left me feeling exposed. Many overweight people feel unlovable. Our hearts are safe if people aren’t interested in loving us. My mixed up logic told me if I stayed heavy I couldn’t get hurt.

A third way I’ve protected my heart is to hide. Hide from things, people, places, and situations. Hide from anything that might even try to get close to my heart. Look for danger everywhere. Remember I’m depending on my mind to tell me if things are dangerous not what I feel. My feelings aren’t trusted. Because I have PTSD and I am mostly in fight or flight mode. Danger is everywhere so I’m always afraid. Obviously this causes intense anxiety. Anxiety about everything, everybody, and everywhere. So I retreat further…

Yet another way to protect myself is to freeze. If we don’t move maybe nobody will notice us. When I’m in fight or flight mode I actually do the third, lesser known option, I freeze. I have been frozen my whole life. I battle the desire to not move every single day. In a past relationship I was forced to be frozen. My ex was not stable and every move I made meant something or was a signal of some sort to someone. Yes, he was mentally ill but it reinforced my belief that remaining still was the only way to remain safe. I have come to realize that just moving causes me anxiety so I avoid it.

All these layers of protection are intertwined. They feed off of each other and work together. What started off in my childhood as a way to protect myself has gone drastically awry over the years. I’m certain the are ways I protect myself that I’m not even aware of yet. But I intend to find out. I think I’ll start by listening to my heart. I will try to consult both my heart and my mind when making decisions from now on. I vow to undo all these layers of protection and to stop hiding. Opening up and becoming vulnerable will only make my heart stronger.

October 13, 2019

When you are bipolar the right medication can change your life. There is one antipsychotic that changed things so much for me I had my longest stable period as an adult. I’m close to reaching my bachelor’s degree thanks to that period in my life. My life on medication and off of medication couldn’t be more different, that’s why I stick with it. But I’ve learned it takes more than medication to stay healthy! You have nothing if you don’t have your health.

I am coming out of a manic phase. This was complicated by anemia. You see mania is energy and action. It mimics your sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight). We feel on top of the world, we have a million ideas, and a million things to do. Personally, my mind is always racing, I spend too much money, I self medicate, I party like a rockstar (seriously), and I don’t need sleep! But this last manic episode was very different. I didn’t realize I was manic. I was having the mind racing anxiety, I was going out drinking every chance I could muster the energy, and I was online shopping like crazy. But also I was exhausted. I didn’t have ANY energy and I looked like a ghost. I was taking two naps a day and then I started getting dizzy and having blurry vision. It wouldn’t happen when I stood up only when I was moving and my blood pressure was normal. One day I was at the dr with my mom. I got so dizzy they had to get me a wheelchair and I almost lost conciousness. They wouldn’t let me leave right away. Off to my dr I went. And she tested everything!

Now, this whole time I’m seeing my psychiatrist regularly. For months I’m complaining to him about having no energy, constantly napping, a loss of interest. He ordered labs that I never followed through on. Sounds like depression right? So, we medicated for depression. First he put me on an antidepressant and then upped my antidepressant. For those who don’t know antidepressants can be dangerous for bipolar people because it can cause mania, they should only be used temporarily. My psychiatrist didn’t want me on them but I was feeling terrible and i didn’t talk to him about the anxiety, partying, shopping etc. He didn’t know the whole story. So by medicating for depression we were just making my mania worse!

My medical dr found the anemia. She told me if it was one tick lower I would need a blood transfusion! I started on iron and started to feel better right away. The light headedness and blurry vision were gone right away. I had energy again! Well, as long as I slept through the night I had energy. After a couple weeks on iron my head cleared. I talked with my therapist and the mania was obvious.

I was going to the psychiatrist every four weeks so I didn’t have to wait long to tell him. We immediately started weaning me off of the antidepressants. Because I was so manic we eventually made adjustments to my other medications too.

Feeling good from the iron and medication adjustments I started to do more. As my medications took effect my racing thoughts slowed. We are weaning me off of my anxiety medications now as they aren’t needed any more. I am not manic and I feel as steady as a rock.

The lesson I learned from all of this is: it’s all connected. You can be healthy in one way and not the other. It’s all about balance! While working on my mental health with medication and therapy I was ignoring my physical health and my spiritual health. I’ve adjusted my diet and with more energy I’m making it to my yoga classes. On top of feeling better from the iron and medication I’ve lost 20 lbs and most importantly I get to be with my yoga family!

Mind+body+spirit=balance!

October 10, 2019

I am an insomniac but not in the usual way. When I turned 35 I started waking at 6am. The older I get the earlier it gets. I’m up a lot at 3am. Last Saturday it was 2am. I used to get up for awhile and then go back to bed middle morning (you can imagine how inconvenient that was). I’ve gotten to the point now that I put some sleep sounds in my headphones and stay in bed until 5. Needless to say I’m worthless past 9pm! I am also a firm believer and practitioner of naps. So unlike many people I happen to have spare time in the early morning hours and I have been able to develop a routine that I don’t even think about, I just do it. Even if I think, “ugh, I don’t wanna do it” my body does it anyway. I think the fact that I don’t have to fight getting out of bed is one of the reasons I’ve been so successful at this routine. Btw, routine is extremely important if you’re bipolar…

There are many traditions and theories on what we should do when we rise in the morning. Lemon water, apple cider vinegar, water, tea, celery juice, exercise, meditate, do yoga. So many options. I call mine a mish-mash because I can’t follow just one discipline. The point is, do the things you find useful and enjoyable. We are doing this for ourselves.

It all started with ayurveda. I read a beginner’s guide to this ancient Indian tradition what some call the ‘science of living’. After reading this I decided I would adopt the entire discipline and live my life by the ayurvedic lifestyle. Obviously this was unrealistic and soon I was disappointed. I liked some of the actions and I know even if I just did one, it’s all good for me. I ended up adapting several ayurvedic actions, along with some western meditations and yoga, there is some modern day science involved as well, not to mention my medical interventions.

My morning routine starts the evening before. Before I go to bed I make ajwain tea (easier to drink cold) and I clean celery, lots of celery, for the next morning. Ajwain tea is ayurvedic, it’s good for many things. My mom drinks it for her arthritis. I drink it on an empty stomach for both weight loss and my hiatal hernia and gerd. I have to take a stomach medicine and my thyroid medication on an empty stomach and I’m supposed to wait 20-30 minutes before I eat for all three. So the first thing I do when I rise is take these medicines with my tea. Next is oil pulling. I put a scoop of coconut oil in my mouth and let it begin to melt. Oil pulling is an ayurvedic technique. The thinking is it takes about twenty minutes for all the blood in your body to circulate through your mouth and the oil removes the toxins. It is also really great for your oral health. As evidenced by my last visit to the dentist! I bet you wonder what I do for twenty minutes with oil swishing in my mouth? While the oil is melting I head back to my room. With a bolster on my bed I get comfortable and prepare to meditate.

When I first started meditating (I use a guided meditation app on my phone) I did 5 minutes and worked my way up. Eventually I could sit without a guide for twenty minutes. But I really stepped my meditation/yoga game up with “Meditations From the Mat” by Rolf Gates. This is required reading for yoga teacher training. It should be required for all who meditate or practice yoga. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to study the yoga sutras or the 8 limb path but it’s intimidating. There’s so much information and so much to study. This author breaks it down until it’s simple. Everyday there is an essay related to the 8 limb path. He slowly introduces you to the nuances of the sutras. Because it’s a small amount of information and then we put our focus on it for twenty minutes, it really sinks in. This book has really opened my eyes to my own behavior. It is teaching me how to practice yoga without doing a single asana (yoga posture). One thing I’ve learned about meditating is you never know. Most days I get distracted and have to bring my thoughts back to my breath and my book several times and that’s fine, that’s meditating. Occasionally I’ve been so focused on my breath it was as if I was watching myself from the corner, an out of body experience. Other days the whole 20 minutes goes by and I only focused for the first 5 minutes and I was shit lol. But that’s the beauty of meditation, it doesn’t matter how you did but that you accepted whatever came. And be happy that we’ve done something good for ourselves!

Usually after oil pulling for 20+ minutes I’m really ready to spit it out! (Into the garbage because it’ll clog your drains). Definitely time to brush the teeth! Next I use a neti pot to cleanse my sinuses. This happens to be an ayurvedic technique also recommended by my doctor for my seasonal allergies. I find the neti pot annoying and I recently discovered my inner monologue was screaming and cussing about it. So recently I’ve been trying to remember my meditations from the mat for that day and do a mini meditation, just to stop the internal yelling.

Next, I go to the kitchen to make my mom her tea for the day. Now celery! I’ve been drinking 16oz of celery juice every morning for 3 weeks now. Things are changing! Celery juice deserves its very own post, coming soon. But I make 16oz for me, my mom, my dad, and my niece. That’s 64oz of celery juice every morning! I love making this for my family. I’m not sure they even know what they’re doing but they’re great sports because if I make it they drink it. Cleaning the juicer is its very own chore. Again I try to think back to my meditation for the day and feel the water running over my hands as I wash up. Finally, I get my coffee!

This whole routine takes about an hour. While expressing my desire to practice more asana in class to my beloved teacher she said, “your morning rituals are your yoga”. I really took that to heart and I spend my first hour in mindful awareness. In my topsy-turvy emotional world I never know what a day is going to bring, none of us do really. But I know how I choose to spend the first hour of my day. Loving myself, feeding my soul, nourishing myself and my family, and focusing my intentions. No matter how ugly the rest of the day might be I start off right!

*I should note, when I started this routine it was 5 minutes of meditating and that’s it. I’ve slowly built on to it week by week. I intend to add to it as well. I would like to journal and start walking again. So slowly and eventually I’ll add those things too and I’ll let you know how it goes!